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I will never understand why complete strangers are so concerned as to what goes on in other people’s bedrooms.

Don’t Apply Your Preferences to Others

Many people seem to think that their personal preferences must be universal. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve had people tell me that I’ll never find a partner because of something about me they don’t like. I’ve been told that no one could love me because I’m an atheist, childfree by choice, and most recently because I’m transgender.

What people like that don’t seem to understand is the fact that if someone doesn’t like those things about me, they are not someone I want to be in a relationship with. I have no intention of bending over backward just to appease someone else’s preference in a partner. The threat of being forever alone isn’t enough to make me change my entire state of being.

It makes me laugh when people try to use that tactic in the hopes of making me want to change. I’ve had my share of partners, including two long-term relationships, who were with me partly because of the reasons these people seem to think make me unlovable. My long-term ex-boyfriend and I met online and connected over the fact we were both atheists and didn’t want kids, and I met my late husband at a childfree social gathering.

Just because you would never date someone who is an atheist or transgender, doesn’t mean other people won’t. Also, don’t assume that everyone else in the world wants to have children. The childfree movement has been growing for the past couple of decades, as people have come to realize they don’t necessarily need to have kids to live a rich, fulfilling life.

Use Your Imagination

So often I see questions online that show people’s ignorance and confusion in how other people have sex. They seem baffled at how two people of the same sex could have sex with each other, much less how someone who is transgender can have sex.

If people really want to know, there are plenty of porn videos with just about every type of person having sex. There’s no need to ask people for the intimate details of their sex life just to satisfy your curiosity. Go visit Pornhub and search for whatever it is you’re interested in knowing. As long as it’s legal and consensual, they probably have a video for it.

These people’s lack of imagination makes me wonder if they’ve ever tried anything beyond the missionary position when having sex. So many people seem to assume that it’s not even sex if there isn’t a penis and a vagina involved.

Kink is not Shameful

Some people are really into having kinky sex, whether it’s getting spanked, tied up, or even wearing a collar with a leash, it’s not something anyone should ever be shamed for. Not everyone has sexual kinks, and that’s perfectly fine. However, as long as the kinks are legal and consensual, there is no need to go around judging what people are doing in the privacy of their bedrooms.

Personally, I believe that rape is the only type of sexual activity that should be illegal. When I use the term rape, I include any form of non-consensual sexual activity. This includes having sex with anyone who is unable to consent due to age or cognitive dysfunction. Sexual abuse of animals is also a form of rape.

Beyond that, if the people involved are consenting adults, why is it anyone else’s business what people do in the bedroom? Perhaps the idea of getting bent over the back of a couch and whipped with your partner’s belt horrifies you, but don’t assume that it horrifies everyone. Some people really enjoy that kind of activity. Just because some of us enjoy it, also doesn’t mean it’s a judgement against you for not enjoying it.

Not Everything is About Sex

Sex is not the end-all, be-all in life, although it appears not everyone received that memo. In the past I’ve gone weeks and even months without sex or even masturbation. I know I’m on the asexual spectrum and I identify as demisexual. I have met people who were personally offended by the fact I identify as something related to asexuality, as if my lack of interest in sex was somehow a judgement upon their character.

Humans seem to want to sexualize everything. I can understand that perspective when looking at homosexual, bi- and pansexual people, since sexual attraction is a part of that equation. However, relationships are so much more than just sex. Think about any long-term romantic relationship you’ve had, if you’ve had one. Were you having sex with your partner 24/7? Maybe you tried to in the beginning, but that sexual enthusiasm eventually wanes.

Relationships are more than just sex. There should be love, trust, communication, laughter, and yes, even tears. It’s about two or more people learning how to integrate their lives to one degree or another. There is good and bad. Ups and downs. Sickness and health. All of that comes with the package of having a partner and it’s not any different if the partners are of the same sex or not.

So, let’s make a deal. Stay out of my bedroom and stop trying to police what I do (or don’t) in there, and I’ll stay out of yours, okay?

Written by

Transgender writer and author. Posting weekly on a variety of LGBTQ and health related topics.

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